Fear free, Clarity and All That Other Shit. My November Newsletter
Brace yourself, this month’s newsletter is long winded, but oh so worth it. First of all, is it really November? The year is nearly coming to an end, and I honestly do not know how to feel about it all. 2018 has been an incredible year for me thus far. Not because I received anything special or achieved anything significant. It’s just been great because I finally perfected the craft of getting out of my own way. I challenged myself a lot more this year and while the rewards often came in the form of lessons, I wouldn’t trade it all for a thing. Let’s take it back to what started it all. For four years, I stayed at my last place of employment. A job that I knew had no real potential for growth for me. But I stayed, merely because I was doing what I loved in the process. Yes, getting up every day to do what you love is fantastic, but if you’re not experiencing any level of growth or expansion, is it truly worth your time?
The last two years of my time in that role consisted of a lot of self-pity, self-doubt, mood-swings, random bouts of depression and me constantly faking my happiness. I consulted with my friends a lot to get confirmation on a decision that I knew in my heart needed to be made. I procrastinated on moving forward because I thought I wanted to protect the commitment I had made to a company that overlooked my value every day for years. What I hadn’t realized, I wasn’t really protecting shit. What I was doing was choosing to suffer because it felt normal, it allowed me to keep “playing it safe.” Ultimately, my decision to remain in that space and at that job was the ultimate act of self-betrayal. I had many opportunities throughout 4 years to walk away, but I stayed and for no other reason than me mildly enjoying where I was.
The time had come for me to make significant changes in my life to better my future, but I remained complacent. I had gotten far too comfortable with being comfortable. The truth? I was terrified of the outcome. I was deathly afraid to fail. Despite my fears, The Universe was continually sending me signs leading me in a particular direction; I avoided going into that direction full-force. I feared the unknown.
It was shortly after my 29th birthday that I realized any feelings I had ever felt that related to the fear of being happy, the fear of being successful or the fear of finally having all of the things I ever prayed for had nothing to do with the world around me. It also had nothing to do with the anything that I had endured in the past. It was me. It was all me. The only thing standing in the way of everything I ever needed or wanted was me. So, in March of 2018 leaving that job was the first time in a long time that I had chosen myself. I had decided to take my happiness into my own hands for once. Looking back, I had made one of the most significant decisions of my life. That job to me signified every time I had ever enabled my toxic behavior. It meant the times that I allowed myself to be sacrificial for situations or individuals that didn’t quite appreciate my worth. That job represented the years of my life that I had put on pause because I was afraid of being the woman I always prayed of being.
Months later, I couldn’t be more grateful for my decision to finally face my fears. It instilled a fire in me that I never really knew I had. I worked a lot harder than I ever had before because I knew that my stability and livelihood depended on it. The reality is, a lot of us won’t move because we know it means doing the necessary work when we step out on faith. Trying something new, entering a new phase in your life will always require a different version of you. Anything new will require you to be someone you never thought you were capable of being or becoming. When you choose to live in fear of progression, you’re ignoring your innate ability to be the person that you are called to be. Stop convincing yourself that the toxic behaviors you continue to engage in are healthy. They’re a hindrance to your growth and blockage for the life you truly deserve.
So, what have my lessons been in the last few months? So many profound insights, feelings, and revelations have come forth. I’ve decided somewhere between now and the next five years; I’ll live happily in seclusion with my family. One thing I have learned about myself is, the more that I love myself, the less I crave attention, the less I have to be around others. I have focused so much on myself over the years that being in seclusion has become home. I am one with the world and interact in it because it needs my presence, not because I need it.
Another essential lesson being, I am forever done with playing small. I never want to know the feeling of not creating the life that I always prayed for out of fear of enduring obstacles or pain. Anything I love doing requires some level of me giving a piece of myself. There is no promise it will turn out the ways I hoped it to, but I will live in contentment knowing I tried. I also learned that everything I thought I wanted actually isn’t anything I wanted at all. For the last seven years, I have been working my ass off building a life centered around the things I thought I wanted. It wasn’t until this year that I realized “I don’t want any of this shit.” It doesn’t necessarily mean I am giving it all up, but it does mean that I am relinquishing control and allowing God to align things the way that they are intended to be.
For so long I had been living in this space of burning myself out, running myself dry only to come up short. I was working way too hard to achieve an idea of success that the world around me had created for me. The truth is, I never wanted any of it. What I wanted was to do what I love without any expectations or anything in return, but the world told me I was doing it wrong and I listened. I had lost my vision. I had chosen to forfeit the real reason I had built any of this in the first place. I did it all out of love. I started it all just because I loved the way it made me feel to penetrate the hearts of others and change their lives. I didn’t do it for awards, site views, a twitter verification or thousands of followers; I did it all out of pure, honest, unconditional love.
A huge problem that the world faces today is that we are far too willing to sacrifice the shit that we love for the sake of an image or superficial things that aren’t long-lasting. The only thing in life that is promised is LOVE. We are born out of love. We are carried through life out of love. We maintain our existence on earth through our love for self and love for others. And when we die, our legacy lives on through the people who love us. The only time love suffers is when it is clouded by the things that hold no truth, the things that are here today and gone tomorrow. I made an important decision to live my life rooted deeply in love. Whatever the outcome, it is all I know. And when asked how I want to be remembered my answer will always be, I want the world to remember me as the woman who exuded and spread nothing but love. So, the next time you begin something new, the next time you engage with another living being, the next time you enter into a room, ask yourself, “am I showing up with an intention to extend and receive love?”